I love wikileaks. I think it's one of the best sites ever. It gives a whole new sense of clarity to the news and, essentially, nobody is safe. Occasionally, I find myself just sifting through just to see what CNN, BBC, etc aren't reporting. Today was one of those golden moments where the stars aligned and everything was just plain right.
I've been ardently against Scientology for about a year and a half/two years now. They've got some really strange, dangerous and violent business practices for a group that purports to be a church. Check out www.xenu.net, www.whyaretheydead.net.
It's been obvious that Scientology had puppet organizations but sometimes it really hits hard. Such as the fact that the Cult Awareness Network is run by the - well - cult. Something like the retarded leading the blind. Anyway. Let me get to my point.
A leak came out that an anti-psychiatry organization called Citizens Commission on Human Rights is run and politicized by CoS. While the fact that it's run by them isn't a revelation, they have... interesting business tactics. Take a look at some of the emails below.
Real Quick Explanation of Some of the Terms: TeenScreen - a program that provides psychiatric screening for teenagers CoS is firmly against psychology/psychiatry - claiming it's a "Nazi pseudoscience." Postpartum - a clinical disease that affects mothers after the birth of their children, in which mothers are driven to psychosis due to chemical imbalance ----
Crew, We're going to overwhelm a small-town newspaper.
According to the article, suicides have gone up this year to about double the national average.
Our message is that they need to take a hard look at what is going on there, rather than simply accept the "help" that is being offered by psychiatric "solutions". We need to get them to look and realize that it's the psychs that are causing the suicides and that they should not turn to psych solutions.
2. Send your message. -If your last name begins with A, D, J, K, P, or T, click on the article link, scroll down to the bottom and leave your message as a brief comment. -For all others, write a letter to the editor and send it to clark.walworth@casperstartribune.net. If your last name ends in A-L or S-Z, send a copy to {M7brodiefarquhar@hotmail.com.
These are the imporantant messages to get across. You should just pick one of these and really drive it home: -Most people who commit suicide are already under psychiatric treatment. Thus it doesn't work for them, don't push it off on others. -The black box warning on anti-depressants stating that they cause suicide and violence. -Take a hard look at what changed before the suicide rate went up. Don't just believe "experts" because they have already gotten you into trouble. -Psychiatric solutions don't work. Look into improving quality of life - education, health, more community activities and churches for the real solution.
If you need hatting on what to say, click on www.cchr.org and search for terms like "black box", "suicide" and "depression".
Oh, and DO NOT MENTION TEENSCREEN OR ANYTHING ABOUT SCREENING.
3. Report compliance by email.
Best, Doyle
-----
Date: Mon, 17 Apr 2006 12:28:21 -0500 From: "Mr Doyle Mills" <anti_psych@yahoo.com> Subject: TeenScreen Popping its Filthy Head Up in Utah To: "Mr Doyle Mills" <anti_psych@yahoo.com>
Once again, the subject is TeenScreen. You can write anything you want. I need EVERYONE to write on this one!
Send your letter to letters@desnews.com and if your last name ends in A-F or K-S, send a copy to susan@desnews.com.
Be brutal or be kind. I don't care. Just say whatever you want. Volume is key to this one. If you need hatting on what can be said about TeenScreen, go to www.psychsearch.net/teenscreen.html.
One thing you should know for sure, in case you miss it in the article. Garrett Smith was under psych care and taking an anti-depressant when he killed himself. So really, despite his possibly good intentions, Senator Smith is attempting to get others to repeat his mistakes - listen to the psychs and bury your child.
Here is an EXCELLENT editorial by a CCHR guy in Arizona.
We need to back him up.
Send a letter either strongly agreeing with his viewpoint or forwarding any of our usual true lines: -no science to psychiatry -dangers of drugs -TeenScreen is just a drug-funded fraud etc.
Florida Times-Union (Jacksonville) August 30, 2006 Wednesday Senator joins event against psychiatry She has been opposed to mental illness screening in schools By BRANDON LARRABEE
(again, truncated by me - text of article - follow link above)
-----
Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2006 19:59:21 -0500 From: "Mr Doyle Mills" <anti_psych@yahoo.com> Subject: LEAF, the Catholics have been infiltrated by TeenScreen To: "Mr Doyle Mills" <anti_psych@yahoo.com>
TeenScreen's PR firm is really getting desperate. The whole program is really taking a beating from the petition, our letters, and from group after group coming on board to stop the fraud.
They've infiltrated yet another newspaper to print another "fluff" article.
Are we going to let it go by unchallenged? I don't think so.
2. Write a letter to the editor. -If your last name ends in A-F, write anything you want as long as it's against TeenScreen. You can go to www.psychsearch.net/teenscreen.html if you need hatting on what to write. -If your last name ends in G-N, write about how TeenScreen is completely inappropriate in a Catholic school, being based on the anti-religious message of psychiatry/psychology. If you need hatting on what to write, go to this website: http://www.psychologydebunked.com/ If you've never seen it, you'll find it very enlightening. -If your last name ends in O-Z, pick some glaring outpoint in the article and write about them. Here are a couple off the top of my head but I'm sure you can find more: OUTPOINT 1 - The administrator revealed that some children had positive results. Records are supposed to be completely confidential. Even a release of general numbers is unacceptable. OUTPOINT 2 - They have had psych programs running "through the years" and have had suicides, most recently in 2004. OUTPOINT 3 - No definition is given for UAMS, the outfit that administered the TeenScreen. It is certainly an outside, for-profit psych facility
((And I save the best for last. This one drives me fucking insane.))
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2006 06:12:47 -0500 From: "Mr Doyle Mills" <anti_psych@yahoo.com> Subject: Letter Published in New Jersey To: "Mr Doyle Mills" <anti_psych@yahoo.com>
"I thought we lived in a free country..."
That's a good line.
Check out this good letter published today. Forward it to your friends and see if anyone else would like to write some letters. anti_psych@yahoo.com
I thought we lived in a free country. Now New Jersey has a law that requires a mother to have a mental health exam after having a baby. What will be next: mental health exams for mothers who have children failing in school, or maybe who have children who don't look like everyone else?
New Jersey legislators need to take another look at this issue and consider making the mental health exam optional. Do they think that women can't think for themselves? Do they really think that a test "knows best" what is good for an individual?
Government doesn't have the right to legislate what is "normal" behavior. I would like to see a return of more personal freedoms rather than the government mandating whether we are "mentally ill" or not.
Bill Simpson
Clearwater, Fla., April 15
-----------------------------
I think the scariest part of these emails is that they all end with the same line. "Report compliance by email." I'm not picking on CoS itself, as this is pure hypocrisy that exists in religious right front organizations too - but CoS is not part of those. It's a whole different being. It's a moneymaking organization at it's core.
So I've been reading this book for class, called "Fighting for Air" by Eric Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at NYU. It's all about corporate control over media outlets, specifically local radio outlets. Clear-Channel, a name many of us are familiar with, owns roughly 1,100 radio outlets nationwide, many of these outlets in rural-subrural areas. By doing so, it consolidates many of these stations on a regional basis, allowing for pre-recorded segments to play on each of these stations, generalized news segments for the region, essentially establishing a regional/national personality to the station, rather than catering to each station's individual needs.
Picking on a tip given in the book, I searched the term 'radio sucks' on Google, which had apparently garnered over 12 million searches in that engine alone. Third down the list was a website called corporateradiosucksass.com, which essentially is a homebase for a morning show in Kansas City. The show, broadcast on 98.9 The Rock, establishes an anti-authoritarian atmosphere for the show, 'rebelling against the status quo' to use a fitting cliche. Surprisingly enough, however, the info for the station - other than the callsign 'KQRC Kansas City' - is missing from the page. Digging deeper down the rabbit hole, I decided to search the callsign in Google, as a link to the homepage for the radio station itself was missing. Ironically enough, while looking at the station info, it lists 'Entercom' as the station's operator.
Recognizing the name from my readings, and strengthening the irony of the situation, Entercom is actually one of the top 6 corporate radio conglomerates, operating more than 100 stations nationwide - fourth behind Clear-Channel media. While the number may not be phasing, take this statistic on for size. The 'big six' - Clear-Channel, Entercom, Cox Communications, Cumulus Media, Viacom, Ennis and good ol' evil empire Disney - reach 100 percent of the radio markets in the country. Thereby, whatever region of the country you're in, from New York, NY to Boise, Idaho to Butte, Montana, you've got a station by one of these conglomerates in your town. Most likely, they'll be piping out prerecorded interviews from their main headquarters, in which they'll be commenting on how beautiful the area is, how much pride they have in wherever, never once stepping foot in the town.
So when you hear the phrase 'corporate radio sucks ass', you've gotta wonder whose mouth it's coming from. The host, the program director, or even the region director of Entercom itself, in building a brand image. Funny, aint it?
Hey guys - this is my latest, let me know what you think. But shhhh. It's not technically supposed to be released until next wednesday. Be very very quiet!
I just found this today. Andrew WK gave a talk at NYU - it was a big Q and A thing. I asked him a question, and ironically, he posted it up on youtube and his site. Weird. You can't see that it's me, cause they cut off me giving him a hug. But regardless, have faith that it is me. Because it is.
Working on the new screenplay trying to deal with the lull of a failing film in production about a failed film in production. Full circle.
Hesitant to give up.
Idealism got old after Junior year.
Hating intoxicants yet drinking more alone.
Reading more pulp novels. Can you call Chuck P pulp?
Working stiff.
Writing letters every night to chronicle my progress.
Lost a lot of friends. Gained nothing.
Gained self-respect, a little assurance. Still lacking in the self-esteem department.
Listening to too much indie-rock.
Need to get in shape. Quit cancer. Smoking a half-pack a day.
Whew. That felt good.
Chris is moving out in a few days. I'm having trouble dealing with the fact that I'm not going to see my brother anymore. I've really grown to love the kid recently. To bring up my fondest memory, I'll have to travel back a few years. He was in my backyard with a few of his friends and as I had done, I had done my best to ignore him. I was in my room, with Megan. I finally came out of my room a little while later, and he had built a flamethrower. Out of a super-soaker, gasoline, paint thinner and a rag. He's half-retarded sometimes, but he's still my brother.
I can't help smiling at it right now, it gets my mind off the chaos surrounding. Lately, I've been having trouble getting back into the swing of things. My mom's friend died of AIDS, my brother's moving out, I'm worried about staying in school - for money issues. I'm trying to get a real, steady job at Apple and the interview process is taking forever. Three weeks of interviewing and still no decision. I've been working wherever I can get paid: doing odd jobs moving, Oakland Drugs, Greenbrook Country Club, etc.
I've been playing more bass though and having fun with feedback. That bides my time. That and Netflix.
Do I feel different from last year this time? Yes. Do I feel different from six months ago? Yes. I think I've gotten more stable. Leveled off. I say that every now and then but now it's true. The co-dependence that I threw at anything that would look at me - friend, family, lover - was killing me from the inside.
Back to Chris - I'm a little worried to see him go. I just don't want to see him turn into Dad. It's kinda funny - when you're a kid, the last thing you want to do is to be around your brother - now you're scared to let him go. C'est le growing up. heh.
Okay - if you're reading this - if we haven't talked in a while, come find me. I'd like to catch up. Whoever you are. I don't know who reads this. If anybody. I'm just curious to see if something like this will work.
So yesterday, I got into a car accident. Nothing really major. Nobody was hurt. It was around 4:30ish in the afternoon and I was driving up to my uncle's house about 20 minutes away. I was supposed to go over because his friend, who is a priest, was there and giving some talk or something or other. I turn up a street, off the highway, and realize that it was the 'west' exit rather than the 'east'. I keep driving, look around and see a street where I can make a u-turn. I go to turn down the street and PLOW. I get hit from the side. It wasn't too hard but it knocked me for a loop and fucked up my wheel-well.
I have no car. I have work in 6 hours. I have a job interview on Thursday. And the worst thing? The car was supposed to go to the body shop tomorrow to get fixed up, for the new guy to take over the lease. Mother fucker.
Somebody get me a drink.
What kills me is that, well, I've been making a concentrated, conscious effort to do the right thing recently. I know I haven't been a perfect person, in fact, sometimes I've been down right fucked up. But I spent the past few weeks helping people out, driving them around. Going way out of my way to help. I think I'm going back to bed.
okay. so i've been home, trying to get in touch with people since sunday. but literally nobody will pick up my calls. either everybody is busy or something is wrong with me. did i do something? who fucking knows.
So, this summer, I got a job at Six Flags Great Adventure.
Why, do you ask? Why the fuck would I work an hour and a half away from my house? Why would I work for Six Flags in the first place?
Simply enough - a change of scene. Most likely, I'm going to be living with my cousin, about 20 minutes from the park. 4 days working and living down there, 3 days up in North Jersey. About 30-35 hours of work crammed into 4 days. The pay is extremely good, as are the perks and I get a lot of hours.
Plus - I'm trying to avoid Oakland like the plague for the most part. I was in town for the first time in a few months the other night and something scared me stiff. It just felt darker. Drug addled. Soulless. I realized there was nothing there for me anymore. Nobody there for me anymore. With a heavy heart, I made the decision that I needed to keep away. I'll be there on the days when I'm not working, and I will have a place for everybody to come and visit, but I can't stay ... I just can't. It's something I need to do.
Some may interpret this as me burning a bridge. Maybe.
5:15 AM - Woke up, walked to the fridge and drank the rest of my Arizona Watermelon. E-mailed my WrII Projects to myself with the intention of printing them in the morning, in the computer lab. Fell asleep thinking, 'Whatever you do, don't open your box as soon as you wake up because Thunderbird deletes everything from the server.'
7:45 AM - Woke up again, before my alarm. Somehow, fell back asleep.
9 AM - Woke up for the third time, realizing that I was going to be late, opened my email box while putting clothes on. Fuck. Emailed the projects again. Ran down to the computer lab, printed, barely made it to class on time.
12:30 PM - Lunch. Saw a girl I had a thing with at the beginning of the year. Avoided like the plague.
2 PM - Got my Netflix envelope out and watched Punch-Drunk Love for the first time in a few years. Realized I liked it more then when I originally saw it. Kudos, PTA.
4:30 PM - Cigarette break. Talked to Tim for a little while, splurged on a candy bar and a can of Arizona. I've been drinking WAY too much of this stuff lately.
5:15 PM - Read through latest issue of New York. It's their annual Sex issue. Realized that reading this magazine makes me feel kinda goofy. Not in a pretentious indie fag kinda way, but in that 'You live in Manhattan, you go to NYU, you read New York... come on, really?' way.
6:30 PM - Tried to nap for a little while but failed miserably. State and Main was on, so I watched about 3 minutes of it and had to turn it off. It's god awful.
7 PM - Went downstairs with our dear Freud and read, finished my reading and realized that I learned virtually nothing, except that civilization has ruined humanity. Threw myself into a downer by it.
10 PM - Watched some TV, then got up, and booked my airline ticket to Chicago.
11 PM - While walking out to the living room, walked right into a wall and smacked my head. Left a bruise. Decided to go to bed.
Some of you may know that I've been making a movie recently. It is for this reason that I have somehow disappeared, for the most part, from the social radar. Something happened last night that made me accept my status as either the luckiest boy on earth or that guy who is always in the right place at the right time.
I'm only gonna tell the very short version of the story because details are not completely sketched out yet. We were running around like crazy trying to figure out where we were going to shoot this next scene, a scene that takes place in a screening/conference type room. We went out for burgers at about 11pm. Flash Forward. By 1 am, we were offered the opportunity to shoot in a major sport league's office.
How in the world does this shit happen to me? And how the fuck does it keep happening? Ironically, for a movie about everything going wrong, everything is going COMPLETELY right.
We had worries about lighting? They were solved the night before. We had worries about cast? Everything always found a way to work out. We had worries about money? Well.. that one came out of my pocket, but STILL. We had worries about locations? Except for a few 5-0 related scares, we were fine.
We are all here for a reason on a particular path You don't need a curriculum to know that you are part of the math Cats think I'm delirious, but I'm so damn serious That's why I expose my soul to the globe, the world I'm trying to make it better for these little boys and girls I'm not just another individual, my spirit is a part of this That's why I get spiritual, but I get my hymns from Him So it's not me, it's He that's lyrical I'm not a miracle, I'm a heaven-sent instrument My rhythmatic regimen navigates melodic notes for your soul and your mental That's why I'm instrumental Vibrations is what I'm into Yeah, I need my loot by rent day But that is not what gives me the heart of Kunte Kinte I'm tryina give us "us free" like Cinque I can't stop, that's why I'm hot Determination, dedication, motivation I'm talking to you, my many inspirations When I say I can't, let you or self down If I were of the highest cliff, on the highest riff And you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life in my grip I would never, ever let you down And when these words are found Let it been known that God's penmanship has been signed with a language called love That's why my breath is felt by the deaf And why my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind I, too, dream in color and in rhyme So I guess I'm one of a kind in a full house Cuz whenever I open my heart, my soul, or my mouth A touch of God reigns out
So I spent an hour or so reading through my old Deadjournal today. Remember that shit? Deadjournal? I loved that thing back from 02-04, maybe 05. I used to make it a point to post every single day. Even if the post didn't really make much sense to anybody but myself. I'd rant, rave. I lambasted the dumb and praised - what I perceived to be - genius.
Reading through all of my entries, I realized a little something that I didn't totally get until now. I was extremely open a few years ago. I closed myself up sometime in 05. I didn't really say much of anything that had a point. I remember I would just talk and talk and talk, not caring who was listening, for the sake of making my mind known - if only to myself. It was fantastic. I felt free, uninhibited. Somewhere along the line though, I went into hiding. Something serious happened and it fucked me up in the brain. I became quiet, reserved. Shy. I lost the self-esteem I had.
Those entries were beautiful, in a way. They were portraits of a well-spoken, open minded teenager. Someone who gave a damn about everything and everyone. An independent guy. Somewhere along the line, he disappeared. He became a shadow. He became 'hey, you remember...?' I miss him. Don't get me wrong, I know there's no way I can become him again. That'd be stupid, straight up. I'd feel like an aging high-school athlete. I know that he's a part of me though. That soapbox speaking, intelligent guy is hiding inside of me, scared to come out and play, so to speak.
I think I'm going to make it a point to write in this thing every day. Express what I want to express without fear.
---
Now I have a platform. What the hell am I going to say?
--- Let's recap.
I'm back in therapy. I was in therapy during the late spring of my junior year. It didn't go so well back then, but now, it seems to be having an effect. I feel like I'm thinking clearer. My brain doesn't feel so messy anymore. I don't feel like I'm always scrambled. Like I'm dizzy. I've been wondering exactly what the hell was going on with me that I decided I needed therapy, back in the day. My best gauge of that period was that a relationship had ended, AD was done for the year, friendships had fallen through the cracks and for the first time since St. Elizabeth's, I felt completely - completely - alone.
So what have I been doing? Running away from everyone. Everything. Always running. If you're always running, then you think that you're never hurt, you're never thinking enough to be sad. Exactly the opposite though. You are thinking - you're not thinking about everyone, but about all of your actions. You're so consumed with yourself that people that exist beyond your inner monologue don't truly exist. You become your own audience.
It's scary. I scared the shit out of myself when I started coming to grips with this shit. I realized that was why I was a ghost the last year of HS, that was why I fell off the radar almost completely. I ceased to be except to me. Pretty fucked, man.
The moral of the story is that I got so warped inside my own head that I was virtually unable to operate.
You know what I miss most of all though? I miss being able to relax. Being able to shoot the shit and not give a damn about the time, the place, the company. Not looking at the doorways, waiting for the fires to start and knowing the perfect way out. I miss the people that were so close to me back then. I miss Lexy, I miss Ally, I miss Eric, I miss Meggy, Landry, Heather, I miss Travis, Alice and John. Not for what they are now, but who they were when we were close. People I allowed myself to trust with every aspect of my being. Not that I don't trust them, it's that I pulled away and didn't allow myself to keep trusting. I "disappeared". Some of those relationships can't be rebuilt. That's a simple fact of life. People grow, grow apart. Total respect for that. God bless. But here comes the kicker - The time has come to start trusting people again.
I became so jaded, so helpless that I couldn't even bear to look people in the eye when I talk to them. I had mega opportunities to build friendships here, but I piss them away. I keep so many people at arms length. People come up and talk to me in the courtyard, people I don't even know. Attractive people too, I might add. Haha. Tomorrow is another day, and another chance. Gotta wake up and embrace the day for what it is - another chance at living. Somehow, I've gotta keep remembering this. Keep it on my mind until it becomes a habit. Let the fuck go, Romain. Let the fuck go.
There was a sense of disappointment as we left the mall All the young people looked the same Wearing their masks of ‘cool’ and ‘indifference’ Commerce dressed up as rebellion
'Cause we're so handsome and we're so bored So entertain us, tell me a joke Make it long, make it last Make it cruel, just make me laugh We can't be heard, we can't be heard
Drink to forget your blues on the weekend Think about more things to buy The TV taught me how to sulk and love nothing And how to grow my hair long
'Cause we're so handsome and we're so bored So entertain us, tell me a joke Make it long, make it last Make it cruel, just make me laugh We can't be heard, we can't be heard
So why'd you go picking fights that you'll lose? (When you have entertainment, when you have things to pass the time?) So why do you go thinking thoughts that are above you? (You can be happy - just play dumb, You can be happy - just play dumb) Well I was brave and unique, intelligent, a snowflake; I could have been a hero No one can be trusted over the age of fourteen (Tattoo our arms) (Converse shoes) (Cynical) Well should we tell ourselves we’re different I've gotten so good at lying to myself
Oh! All my pain and honour is used up Oh! Oh! Oh! All my guns are rusted
So when're you gonna realize Those are not your wrongs to right Have another line, have another drink
I am a martyr, I just need a motive I am a martyr, I just need a cause I'm a believer, I just need a moment I'm a believer, I just need a cause
We're finding it hard to break the mold We're finding it hard to be alone We're finding it hard to untie ourselves We have nothing at all to say
Uniform Uniform Uniform
There was a sense of disappointment as we left the mall All the young people looked the same
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